I’ve been wrestling with questions about how to be more present in my Offline life, listening to podcasts that ask whether we should quit social media and reading pieces that tell me social media hurts kids and remind me “there is a deep, deep cost to being extremely online” and help me see a future in which I do leave social media and maybe even pay to go on vacation without my phone.
These aren’t new questions for me but entering my sixth year of full-time business—and, quite frankly, approaching 40—has pushed them to the forefront again. Working for yourself, particularly as someone whose work all happens online, makes it hard to turn “off.” I rarely travel anywhere without my laptop, and I’m constantly checking my phone.
Back in the days when this newsletter used to go out once a week and featured a roundup of jobs, I was on the job/discussion boards every single day, checking to see what I missed. Then I moved to monthly, and I would only check the boards once a week.
Then I shifted the newsletter’s focus away from jobs specifically, but I still feel this intense pressure to read *all of the things* and share the best of what’s out there on the web. I still feel this need to, in the words of Jenny O’Dell on this podcast episode, “be an identifiable individual who’s in competition with other identifiable individuals.”
Last week, a friend of mine who, like me, runs a one-woman show, reached out to me wanting a mission statement for her brand and inadvertently confirmed exactly how I’d been feeling. In talking to her, I realized there are many of us out there right now, feeling this way. Wanting to be seen but not wanting to be a “brand.” Wanting to work, but not to the point of burnout.
Here’s an excerpt from my convo with the talented Sigourney Morrison, owner of Dressed New Orleans. I hope you find something relatable within our words.
Nikki: Recently you said to me: “There’s no reason for me to scale up. I guess I’m big in heart, not big in business.” That really stuck with me because it’s almost frowned upon to not want to grow. Like, “big in business” almost sounds wrong somehow, right?
I joined this consultant community earlier this year, and I remember feeling like a failure because I didn’t have these massive growth goals. I’d show up to meetings and not know what to talk about because I’m actually pretty happy with where my business is at, and that felt wrong.
Sigourney: Yes! It’s this mentality of like, “Why aren’t you working yourself to death?” Hustling and working too hard is a currency and a badge of honor. The grind, whatever the f*ck that is—scaling, meeting your comps—it’s toxic, and I think it’s weird. It’s rooted in some strange toxic masculinity, and I don’t want to be a part of it.
Suffering is also a currency. I don’t want to suffer, and I don’t want anyone else to, either.
I’ve been talking to my stepson, who’s 11, a lot about this, how people say “I’m so busy!” and that’s a go-to line. He’s watching YouTube and thinking it’s cool to be working all the time and making money and doing all the things, and I’m trying to tell him it’s not cool. Working all the time and making money is not where it’s at.
Not at all. It’s how you burn yourself out. I’ve worked two, three, sometimes four jobs simultaneously and still not felt like I was doing enough. I still have this feeling sometimes like, “Oh, I have a couple of free nights a week, that means I’m not doing enough."
I can’t even count the number of times I’ve been burned out! The last time was the final one for me. I think that burnout is somewhat of an unavoidable necessity to facilitate change in your business. Unless you hit a point where you’re frustrated, you’re not gonna change anything. You have to hit that point where something has to give.
What I discovered was that I was trying to do too many things and running out trying to grab all this money, like I was in a game show box with the money flying around. I realized at that point, I needed to hyperfocus my business on what I do really well, and only on that.
For me, that meant I needed to open a brick-and-mortar space so that people could come in and browse and buy things, and I could create some passive income for myself. Even though that means I spend almost 10x in rent as I did before, I’m way less stressed and I actually make more money now than I did before.
If you’re doing what you do well, then everything is easier.
Obviously opening a physical retail space and continuing to add more products is a form of scaling, but it’s gotten you closer to your mission of being able to connect with people 1:1, which you couldn’t do without that space. Does this add more pressure to your bottom line and make you want to work more sometimes?
It is a form of scaling, but it’s more about creating room. I didn’t multiply myself or replicate the business at all; I just created more room physically and mentally for me to do my job. I couldn’t reach people in my little Bywater studio, inside of a building, in a neighborhood with no front-facing traffic. It wasn’t easy. But now I’m in the French Quarter.
Overhead does have an added pressure because I need to maintain the space, but I haven’t had to work harder to make rent. I hyperfocused my business to something sustainable—personalizing and customizing vintage goods—and diversified my revenue streams because I have foot traffic now. People can come in and shop, get a bandana or stocking chainstitched, pick up patches for gifts, stuff like that.
Do you ever feel guilty or ashamed because you don’t want to scale? This growth mentality is so pervasive in the world of entrepreneurs and consultants. Do people ever try to convince you you should change your mind?
I used to feel like I wasn’t doing a good job unless I was run ragged. Then I realized that the people who do that are actually miserable, and I don’t want to be like that. The culture has made you feel like that’s the only way to be, but I’m fine being a one-person show. When I’m at the store, I’m open, but I don’t need anyone to tell me when I need to be open or not. I’m smart enough to know that. I’m going to do what I want, and the people who want to find me are going to find me. My work speaks for itself; I don’t need to run myself into the ground, and I shouldn’t have to.
Do you travel? How do you set boundaries while you’re away?
I try to travel during the summer because that’s the slow time for New Orleans. The longest I’ve gone away is for two weeks. I’ll occasionally answer emails, but I don’t like the idea of being accessible 24/7. I don’t ever answer after a certain time in the morning or at night. Having boundaries is the only way to remain sane.
How do you disengage from the feeling of always needing to perform and be seen?
I try to share a little about me on social so people know I’m not just a machine. I don’t like to be on camera—I hate it, but I know that I have to because that’s how the algorithm is written, and people also want to see where their stuff is coming from. So I feel that pressure, but I’m also not going to change my entire personality and become an extrovert because I’m trying to sell my shit.
I’ve really grown into being able to do this through changing my lifestyle. I’ve gotten older, I’ve gone to therapy, I’m sober. I’m pretty confident in myself now. I wouldn’t have been able to undertake this at an earlier stage in my life.
What’s your dream vision for how work/life coexist for you in the future?
I’m really living my dream right now, honestly. I’m happy with how things are going. I think if you’re doing what you love for any period of time, to me, that’s success. I don’t define success by my store being open 5 years, 10 years—I worry about whether I’m enjoying it. Nothing lasts forever, so you just have to live in the moment and enjoy things as they’re happening.
PS: Follow Sig on IG and, if you’re in the New Orleans area, go to her pop-up on 12/9 with Silver Stallion Handmade, Sticky Fingers Donuts, and other local vendors!
Check out my latest published work:
We Asked, You Answered: What's Working For Gen Z at Work? (Indeed)
Behind the Screens: How Tommy Walker Applies His Acting Experience to B2B Marketing (Managing Editor)
If you need help with writing/editing at your company, let’s talk! I’m always open to new work and interesting projects.
And here's what else is on my radar this month…
Listening:
The new Andre 3000 album is so chill and I love it
Do you have an elementary-age child in your midst? I’ve found Story Pirates to be a good podcast pick!
Loved this episode on how to stay calm, sane, and open in a chaotic world
Watching:
Watched and recommend: Nyad on Netflix, The Burial on Prime, Beyonce’s Renaissance in theaters.
I also rewatched Friends From College and really wish that show hadn’t been canceled!
Reading:
I read and loved: The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller, Glossy: Ambition, Beauty, and the Inside Story of Emily Weiss's Glossier by Marisa Meltzer
Read and liked: Black Cake by Charmaine Wilkerson, but I still haven’t watched the show. Does anyone recommend?
Read and didn’t love: Remarkably Bright Creatures by Shelby Van Pelt
Alexa Chung turned 40 and shares 40 pearls of wisdom: All young people are beautiful. My mother used to tell me this and I didn’t understand what she meant, but now I frequently find myself smiling at young people on the Tube just because I am struck by the loveliness of youth.
People who fled cities during the pandemic are now regretting it?
One writer on her breast reduction surgery: “The message that we are internalizing at a younger and younger age is that aging itself is bad. Allowing yourself to seem to age? Unacceptable.”
Holy crap; open gradebook software sounds like a total nightmare, and I’m glad it wasn’t around in the 90s: She’s watched teenagers become shockingly dependent. “I have many, many super-high-functioning young adults starting college, and they literally can’t place a Starbucks order without texting their moms,” Gold tells me.
Maybe forced boredom can help you finish that project
This is so wholesome.
I hope you have a peaceful close to your year,
Nikki
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